At Home with God

Inspired by Richard Frost

“How many times do I have to tell you lot to stop that fighting?
Can’t you sort your own problems without dragging Me into it
And, expecting Me to take sides?
If I have to come down there again, I’ll smite the lot of you!
And It won’t be a messenger, this time, it will be the real thing”

And Mankind answered unto the Father:
“God – It’s so unfair!, He started it!, I didn’t ask to be born!”
Some, with real existential angst, said
“You can’t tell us what to do, You’re not even our real dad!”
And there was much wailing, and gnashing of teeth.
And mighty was the wrath of the Lord
“As long as you live under My roof, You’ll do as you’re told!
When you’ve got your own place you can do as you bloody well like!
And while we’re at it, stop treating this place like a hotel
Making a mess everywhere and ruining things
Organising floods, earthquakes and famine, is a real pain
I’m not a miracle worker, you know.”

And, muttering something under his breath
About how they’d all be better off without him,
God went out into his potting shed
Where he could have some peace.
And the Almighty contemplated unto Himself:
Okay, He wasn’t perfect. He never seemed to be around when they needed Him,
But hey ,He worked a six day week
And He couldn’t be everywhere at once.
Besides, He had other things to think about:
He still hadn’t got round to fixing that hole in the roof
And now He had to figure out what to do with all the polar bears
When the ice caps melted,
Then there was loss of habitat for Panda’s,
Edinburgh zoo was no solution.

“Christmas is always mad, especially at midnight, Easter is 72 hours non-stop, and what other business would offer an eternal forgiveness service on demand? And , for the record, I find transubstantiation a little spooky.”

So he switched his mobile to the messaging service
Whilst Man looked in disbelief, at all the grief, and turmoil in the world;
The anguish of families torn apart by war,
Children suffering through famine and disease, but what for?
When all they wanted to do was please
And such was their despair
They fell onto their knees
And turned to prayer, calling out to God
“Lord, are you there watching over us,
Where are you when disaster strikes?
Do you really care? Are you still there?
And this was God’s message:
Your call is being held in a queue.
Please hold and salvation will be with you as soon as possible.
However, if you require approval for wars, please press one
If you want forgiveness for something I told you not to do in the first place, press two, if you want to make a payment, of a goat or virgin , press three, if you are thinking of leaving the Faith, please wait.”

But Mankind couldn’t wait
“Lord, we’ve held on for long enough;
We look on helplessly ,and see,
Those who have more than they need
Taking from those who cannot even feed themselves.
The regimes of tyrants, oppressing the weak
Cannot be, what you seek,
Whilst the poor fight for the wealthy.
What can be done to free us from this slavery?”

And this was God’s message:
“Your plight is important to us.
Please continue to hold
And your prayers will be answered
As soon as an angel is available.”
Mankind wailed: “Lord hear our pleas”

And this was God’s message:

“Due to overwhelming demand at this time
We are experiencing a high level of calls.
You may wish to try again later,
Or continue to hope.”

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